


Tattoos

by heartsdesire456



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Ficlet, Humor, M/M, Multi, Tattoos, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody figured Coulson for one to have tattoos.</p><p>(Or, the random little ficlet- it's not even a fic- about the team's opinions on everybody's tattoos)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know. This is really short and really pointless. Basically I wanted Phil to have tattoos because of reasons and then decided to make people laugh at it and then threw in a little slash.

It was a normal night, same as any, when Tony looked up from his spot on the couch and- without preamble- spat beer across the coffee table, dropping his bottle as he choked. “Stark, you okay?” Steve asked, sitting up, only to follow Tony’s line of sight and raise an eyebrow. “Um… sir?”

Everybody turned to see Coulson walking from the elevator… in his boxers and trouser socks. “One word and I’ll personally poison you all,” he said, cheeks bright red as he continued past at a sedate pace to the hallway.

Tony finally regained the ability to breathe and proceeded to laugh so hard he fell off the couch and landed half in Bruce’s lap. “Oh God, I’ve now seen all of you almost-naked!” he cheered, earning a pointed glare from Natasha, who was curled up in the chair. “Hey, you’re the one who took off your top to tie around Barton’s leg and ripped your skirt so you could run better, it wasn’t my fault!” he pointed out.

Bruce cringed. “Don’t feel bad, at least you don’t wind up completely naked in strange places decently often,” he soothed, though she just turned her glare on him.

Pepper laughed from her spot on the other end of the couch from Steve. “Personally, I’m surprised Phil looks like that,” she said and Tony nodded.

“Hell yeah, for a man his age who sits back at base most of the time? Great body, his arms are almost as good as mine,” he said. “And what was that tattoo on his chest?! I didn’t see Agent as a tattoo kinda guy-“

“He was a Ranger.” They all jumped slightly, earning a smirk from Barton as he came from the direction of the stairs. “Sorry, took the long way up, I take it Agent Coulson’s still in his skivvies?” he asked, snickering as he came to lean over the back of the couch Tony had vacated.

Steve perked up. “Agent Coulson was a Ranger?” he asked, looking impressed. “Around what time was he active?” he asked, earning an eye roll from Tony, who thought his obsession in military history in his absence was pointless.

Barton shook his head. “No telling about Phil’s past, he’d kill me in my sleep,” he said with a playful grin. “Phil’s got more than that one, it’s just the biggest.” He nodded at Natasha. “Tasha was there last time he got a tattoo.”

She nodded. “Agent Coulson has four of them.” She nodded at Clint’s arm. “Barton has too many, it makes him too traceable. Stupid ass still gets more.”

Barton just flexed pointedly. “I do what I want!” he said in a mocking voice, then stood up. “And right now, I want a shower so I’ll see you all later,” he said, taking off down the hall.

Steve just chuckled. “I never got into the tattoo thing,” he said and Tony made a derisive sound.

“Of course not, your wholesome charms would be shattered-“

“You know, I’ve seen you shirtless, I don’t see any on you,” Steve argued and Tony shuddered dramatically.

“So many diseases and germs. I don’t like going to the _doctor_ to get shots and that’s a sterile environment, you think I’m letting a person poke me with needles in a non-sterile place?” He shook his head. “No way, Jose, I’ll stay nice and Hep C free, thanks!” He nodded at Pepper. “Pep’s got a tattoo though-“

“TONY!” she cried, flushing bright red. Everybody gave her surprised looks and she groaned, pressing her face into the pillow in her arms. “I was a sophomore, it was Spring Break, there was tequila, and it was Miami. Don’t judge me!”

Tony smirked. “It’s a cute butterfly-“

“Keep talking and I’ll personally break your nose,” Pepper said with a glare.

Bruce chuckled. “Don’t feel bad, I did the same thing,” he said and everybody looked at him in surprise. “Hey, I’ve got a PhD, I went to college too,” he stressed. “I was twenty, there was a lab party celebrating discovering a new element, and I got a little drunk and we all got our favorite elements symbol and atomic weights tattooed on us,” he said, blushing slightly.

Natasha gave him a slightly alarmed look. “Um… where? Cause I have to say, we’ve all seen you naked an…”

Bruce grinned. “I wish I could say ‘you haven’t looked close enough’ but nah, after the whole ‘Hulk’ thing, my skin won’t hold any marks, so tattoos just heal away when I transform.”

Tony chuckled. “Trust me, he’s not lying, I’ve definitely looked hard enough-“

“Can we please not finish that thought,” Natasha said, looking slightly horrified. Bruce raised an eyebrow and she rolled her eyes. “No, you’re a handsome man, I’m not calling you gross, but the idea of anybody having sex with Stark is alarming, I’d like to stop that train of thought-“

Tony grinned. “You’re the only person in this room that hasn’t-“

“Uh, I’m still here!” Steve said, sounding slightly alarmed. “Definitely never slept with you-“

Bruce smirked, showing his evil side for once. “No, but we found some interesting notes in Howard Stark’s things, my friend,” he said and Steve flushed bright red, eyes going wide.

Tony cringed. “So yes, technically Natasha, other than you, everybody’s been with A Stark, just maybe not ME.”

Bruce rolled his eyes. “Probably everybody in this _building_ has been with you, Stark,” he said and Tony gasped dramatically.

“I resent that!” He smiled playfully. “There are old folk’s working in the lab,” he said with a leer.

Natasha mimed gagging. “And I thought I’d slept with a lot of people,” she said and Tony opened his mouth, only to shut it when she glared. “Don’t make me kill you.”

“For the record,” Coulson’s voice said from behind them. “I think someone did the math at SHIELD and Stark isn’t actually the person with the highest number of ‘bedfellows’ affiliated with SHIELD,” he said, taking a seat on the empty couch. 

Natasha narrowed her eyes. “It isn’t me, is it?” 

Phil shook his head. “No, someone named Martins. Didn’t bother looking further, I was only so bored,” he said with a shrug. “May I ask how we got to talking about sex? I may want to rethink joining the conversation,” he said and Tony smirked suddenly.

“It was a very roundabout conversation that started with your tattoo! You don’t strike me as the tattoo type,” he said and Coulson shrugged.

“You don’t know me, Stark,” he said simply.

“But I do!” Barton hopped over the back of the couch, landing with a thump, still wet from a very quick shower, it seemed. “So, Stark, you’re our only tattoo virgin, right?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “No, Cap has no tattoos either, and besides, he’s an actual virgin so that’s way more fun to laugh at.”

Steve groaned and slapped a hand over his face. “I am not a virgin, Stark, and it’s none of your damn business-“

Bruce snickered. “We know you’re not, cause you were banging Tony’s dad!” he said, and Pepper gave him a narrow eyed look.

“You’re just as bad as Tony, I don’t know why we all keep underestimating you,” she said and Bruce gave her a wide eyed, innocent look. “Oh yeah, that’s why,” she said flatly, rolling her eyes.

Tony looked back at Coulson. “You know, you look good naked, I bet we could totally get you laid,” he said and Natasha smirked behind his back. “Seriously, there’re some really hot secretaries working downstairs,” he said, nudging Bruce. “Charlene! The blonde on fifteen!”

Bruce looked alarmed. “She’d eat him alive, Tony. She _grabbed my ass_ yesterday! Her nails _dug in_!”

Coulson cleared his throat. “I really don’t need dating help from you, Stark.”

Pepper smiled brightly. “No you don’t, but I know some really nice girls, Phil. I bet with a little more insight into your idea of a what you like in a woman and I could find you a date with someone who isn’t a former stripper with typing skills,” she said, glaring at Tony. “It’s been a while since the last girlfriend, I’m sure even you have time for someone nice,” she enticed.

Steve shrugged reluctantly. “Hey, she’s not wrong, even I’ve had time to go out with this really great lady a few times lately. No reason you can’t make some time, too.”

Tony shot Steve a look. “Whoa, you have a lady friend?! How did that happen?! You used to blush when Pepper talked to you.”

Steve glared. “Hey, I can’t help that pretty girls make me turn into the weird skinny kid still,” he argued. “And yes, yes I do,” he said, smugly. “Her name’s Susan and she’s really nice.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Dating. Who needs it?”

“People who aren’t superspies?” Tony suggested, then smiled innocently when she made a motion at him. “Hey, I’m with you, buddy! I used to think one person more than once would suck ass, but it’s not that bad. Although, I do actually have a heart down in there, I’m convinced you run off of pure spite,” he said and she just rolled her eyes.

“Hearts are a weakness. Love is for weaker minds,” she said harshly. “I mean, I like a few of you, but I’m pretty sure other than Coulson and Barton, if the order came down I’d slit your throats, no questions asked,” she said honestly, earning slightly alarmed looks from Tony and Pepper.

Barton perked up. “Here’s what _I_ don’t get,” he said, crossing his legs under him before pointing between Bruce and Tony. “What happened to the Playmates? I mean, no offence at all, Bruce, you’re easy on the eyes, but… you’re not exactly twenty-two with double D’s. Stark, since when do you do six months with one person?” he asked.

Tony scoffed. “Technically, I did a year with Pepper! And then only like two weeks back at my old game before getting with Bruce,” he defended.

Pepper chuckled. “He got used to self-discipline and learned to keep his hands to himself when he was with me and I think it stuck when I dumped him,” she said, looking smug.

Tony just snorted. “Clearly none of you have slept with Bruce or you would realize this line of questioning would be totally pointless.”

Bruce cleared his throat pointedly, glaring at Tony. “Tony,” he warned but Tony just flapped a hand. 

“What?! It’s just true, I can honestly say I’ve never been with anybody as flexible, that’s for damn sure-“

“Tony!” Bruce cried, cheeks on fire.

Tony just patted his shoulder and looked up at Barton. “With Bruce I’ve got a playmate in every sense of the word. Sex that good paired with a brain like his? I was fucked from the minute he started talking science to me and I didn’t even know he was bendy yet!” He nudged Bruce. “C’mon, you know you love me no matter how annoying I am.”

Bruce snorted. “I’m just screwing you for your brain, sorry,” he joked, earning a feigned gasp from Tony, who dramatically fell back against Barton’s knee.

Barton giggled. “Not surprising, Tony’s got to be the only nerd that ever got laid for being a nerd.”

“Rich nerd,” Coulson corrected. 

Tony huffed. “Well I don’t see you getting any action, Agent, maybe you shouldn’t mock my intelligence or my net worth. Seriously though, let us get you a date-“

Coulson just shook his head with a smile. “Really unnecessary. I’m stuck babysitting superheroes, I think my schedule is full.”

Tony sighed dramatically. “Come on, that’s just sad, at least Barton and Natasha can get it on every once in a while to relieve some tension-“

Natasha snorted. “I don’t know where you get your intel, but I’ve never slept with Clint, Stark.”

Bruce shot her a look, then turned to Barton, looking disbelieving. “Really? Even I thought for sure you two had some comrades with benefits thing going on and I don’t speculate about everybody’s sex lives like Tony does.”

Pepper sheepishly shrugged. “They aren’t wrong. I mean, you two have been working together for years now, right?” She nodded at Clint’s arms in his muscle shirt. “I would,” she admitted and Natasha shook her head.

“Nope, we never have, not even close,” Natasha said simply.

Clint smirked. “Oh at the start she totally wanted me,” he said and Natasha flipped him off. 

Tony gaped. “And you said _no_?!”

Clint nodded. “Probably has a lot to do with the fact I was already married when I brought in Natasha,” he said and everybody went _silent_.

“YOU’RE MARRIED?!” Pepper blurted out, slapping a hand over her mouth at her slip.

Clint nudged Coulson who just sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine, whatever, three years working with Stark and all my secrecy is for nothing,” he said, gesturing aimlessly. “Go ahead.”

Bruce’s eyes widened a fraction of a second before Clint grinned and sat up on his knees, pushing his jeans down to show a tattoo of a pen slicing a sword in half. “Instead of rings, me and Phil got tattoos,” he said simply.

Eyes flickered to Coulson, who just snorted. “Like hell I’m showing you my tattoo,” he droned flatly.

Clint just smirked. “His is a hawk holding arrows in its talons,” he disclosed, sitting back down with a dramatic flop, laying his head against Phil’s shoulder.

Pepper gave Phil a stern look. “And you had me going for months about the cellist,” she chastised.

Phil gave her and innocent look. “Well he uses a bow, so I only half-lied,” he defended, earning an amused snort from Clint. 

“So wait,” Tony interrupted. “Natasha’s been working with SHIELD for at least three or four years,” he said pointedly.

Clint just smiled and curled an arm around Phil’s waist, head still on his shoulder. “She’s been with us five years, we’ve been married seven.” He smirked as he glanced at Phil. “Took me fives entire years to get Phil but it only took him two years after that to marry me, so it worked out.”

Pepper gave Phil a stern look. “You let the poor guy pine after you for five years?! That’s horrible!”

Coulson shrugged. “I actually told him at least three times in those five years that it would never happen and suggested he find another hobby besides flirting with me.”

Tony hummed. “Dude, Bruce, I should invent ink that won’t heal and we can totally get matching tattoos! We can program DUM-E to do them-“

“I am not letting your robots near me with sharp objects,” Bruce said quickly. “Ever.”

Tony poked out his tongue at Bruce. “Spoil sport.”


End file.
